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 Lansing's Advice Column

Dear IMO,

My daughter graduates from high school this week. Some of her friends are planning to find work in New York City for the summer. They have a summer rental in New Jersey and are hoping my daughter will join them. She really wants to go, but I’m not sure she is ready to live on her own. In addition, she will be going off to college in August, and it would be nice to have her around for the summer. Should I allow her to go?

Sincerely,
Marianna

Dear Marianna,

You think she’s not ready to live on her own? I think the real issue centers on you in that you are not ready to see her leave home. Most parents are apprehensive about their children leaving home, and you are no exception.

However, you ought to carefully consider what your daughter wants and what is best for her. She has an opportunity to set out on her own and discover what it takes to survive outside of the home even if it’s just for the summer. She will have a chance to learn a few important lessons such as responsibility, cooperation with her housemates, working out differences when things go wrong and rejoice with friends when something unexpected brings a benefit. This might be just what she needs before she heads off to college in August.

The question comes down to trust. Do you trust your daughter? Do you think she is mature enough to make decisions? Is she able to learn from her mistakes? Can she avoid temptation and potentially dangerous behavior? Neither you nor she will be able to answer these questions unless she has a chance to move beyond the walls of your home.

In three months she will be doing all that and much more when she is at college. I believe you should allow her to go to New York this summer. Before she leaves, you ought to sit down with her and explain some of your concerns. You might be able to role play a few real life scenarios, and see how she responds. Ask her if it would be all right to visit her one weekend in the summer, and make sure you have some time together before she goes off to college.



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